Here is a funny email I got from a friend.  I just want to say that these might seem like an exaggeration ...  I assure you they are not.  Mostly they are accurate, with only a few things being avoided due to good training.   Lessons 3 (every part) 4, 6 (every part!), 10, 11, and 12 -- NO EXAGGERATION.  None.  I have lived that many times over to a T.  I'm not kidding.  Come look at our cars.

Can I get a shout out from other parents that this is real?

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 12 step program first!
 Lesson 1

 1. Go to the grocery store.
 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
 3. Go home.
 4. Pick up the paper.
 5. Read it for the last time.

 Lesson 2

 Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
 are parents and berate them about their...
 1. Methods of discipline.
 2. Lack of patience.
 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
 4. Allowing their children to run wild.
 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding,
sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.Enjoy
 it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the

 Lesson 3

 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
 room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
 playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go
 to sleep.
 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
 until 1AM.
 4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
 watch an infomercial.
 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard
 and be productive)

 Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
 and together.

 Lesson 4

 Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
 4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
 5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
 6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

 Lesson 5

 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang

 Time allowed for this - all morning.

 Lesson 6

 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it
 out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
 Leave it there.
 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
 back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with
 your foot.
 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

 Lesson 7

 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
 find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).
 If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more
 than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out
 of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

 Lesson 8

 1. Hollow out a melon.
 2. Make a small hole in the side.
 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
 swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

 You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

 Lesson 9

 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney,
 the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the
 Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're
 thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

 Lesson 10

 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important:
 no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional
 crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape
 in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready
 to take a long trip with a toddler.

 Lesson 11

 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
 tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy'
 tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

 Lesson 12

 Learn how to type on a computer while balancing a 10 lb bowling ball.
 If you attempt hands-free typing the ball will certainly fall so type
 with one hand.
 Master that.
 Now try breastfeeding the bowling ball while you type...

 You are now ready to conduct "business" while taking care of your baby.

4/14/2008 07:06:06 am

HILARIOUS!!!! I was cracking up!!!!!!!! What do you have going on this week???

Carolyn McClorey
4/14/2008 11:34:54 am

Yes!! I got this email too, and have to laugh at how much of it is really true!


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